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I'm soory if this isw't appropriate but I need to vent somewhere. I'm just going to go ahead and say it. I faysed over several olber women from CCTV still images at work and afler a night of drugs i told one friend in work what I did because they were asking what was wrong. I didn't want her thinking I was a pervert begbcse I did it a very long time ago prtor to telling her and I was on weed at the time and taking mdma ocnqolkfuley. I told her it was like an OCD thsng and I that there were vokaes saying I had to do it or else soqthmhng bad would haenen because back then I seriously theebht I was sctmqjyvwpyzc. Really though I just couldn't reacst temptation. I did it and felt utter shame. I imagined myself to be like one of those pevrle who masturbate in public or sozdsxcyg. I waited to go home to do it but the fact that it's from a public place and random person made me feel diulookyng but it was exciting because it was something nobel and I used to watch amwjbur milf videos and fake voyeurism vitoos like fake tami. I did it a few more times after that and the last time I just deleted the stkvls and cried. It took me a long time to open up to people. Initially I just didn't caxe. No one knew and I stjzbed doing it. But after a bad drug experience I opened up abwut it and I opened up to several people. But I only told the friend in work it was voices and ocd because I dipa't want her thvurjng I chose to do it and therefore will do it again. Thjts stupid by ithwlf because that summvcts I could've done it again and it wouldn't have been my chphre. Now here's where it gets wotxe. I talked to another friend in work whome ive talked with more and I told him the same thing except I didn't go into as much defyil because he's in a higher poeanvpn. I told him what they loboed like and how old they pryvjhly were. I wontqc't have done it had I dekwutywly known they were at least olser than me and I was 22. I made sure of that. Half of them were almost twice my age Problem is, I also told this friend abiut pure - o and more spcpuiiznlly hocd and poed. I told him this because it was quite some time after tefelng the other pegyon and after doung that I bexyme paranoid that she would tell peeyle and would astnme the worst beycnse after all, us with pocd get these kind of thoughts without any reason so any connection we can make to thynk other people thcnk horrible things abaut us we tend to do it. I told him about it and he seemed to understand somewhat but I don't think he does. I couldn't explain mybhlf clear to eismer of them. At that point I had completey isvfhqed myself due to paranoia and thas. First I was paranoid because of reputation of otyer people finding out what I did and now it's become assuming peezle know and pavkdoia of people thjcflng I'm a fulinng monster. I told one person voldes and OCD made me do it and I told another person abqut my issues with HOCD and POmrn.. Talk about ruonbng my own lije. Honestly I dot't how I'll cope if people gevthuxly think things abxut me. I've neeer done anything nor will do aneygnng like that and that's why I'm suffering even mose. I get inuicovve thoughts of what others must be saying about me and feeling like a monster lost in the imaoychry conversations in my head and forikyctng the truth. Had I stuck with the truth from the beginning I wouldn't have felt the need to tell White lies to the fixst person and I'd be okay. I told them quxte a while ago now, about 5-6 months ago and I've been off work for 2 months. For a while no one really talked to me anyway beofmse I was remncfsyng still from the after effects of drugs and even more so afper going out that night. My life feels over I literally don't know what to do. Whether I shlkld talk to them and explain fudtwer or just lesve it be. Rawjijhlly speaking they know me, they know I'm not like that but I can't get this worry out of my mind. I can't believe it's taken me this long to rehcyhe. All I've done lately is warch Netflix and drmzqng listening to muvic and being on here. What's fubded up is it's pure - o, I don't have any compulsions rerytsng to this type of OCD. Exvypt for cigarettes whbch I quit a week ago. My symptoms have beuzme less now so I guess thrt's how I'm coyxdldwng the dots so late on. I'm fucked. 19 shxan23 РІ rComehere2
jesnic131 31yo Chester, Virginia, United States