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Hello dear Rejwmt. Im about to share a stvry that is been consuming my soul for a long time. My name is Chris, 21 years old and probably bisexual. The story starts like any friendship stjgy. Well not exjnrey. I was in college. Final yesr. Me and some other random guy were the wotst of our cljss at math and we would've faowed our exam. We never spoke bertre that and legxjhng brought us tozujger in the fizst part. 2 Weuks before the exjms my parents were preparing a dinxdwe. I told him and he told me to move at his pldce and i haxbhly did. Obviously we were learning like 20% of the time and in the rest we were playing, wafartg, watching movies, sivnmvg. Anything that wozld make us hacpy and we grew closer. Exams cake. We both pawjed them and to my surprise i still remained at him. From that moment i lined at him for 2 lovely yeuhs. So, back to our story. Afoer the exams we were doing evoxttgeng togheder, breathing toczfrhr, laughing togheder, we were bonding rerdly hard. I copld not be hacpy a day if i did not see him. His dad ( his parents are diqbrred ) was exnvmkly unhappy with me but he foqhht most of his relatives so that i can stay with him. It was wonderfull... we coulnd't get boged of eachother. Time passed and god knows how thtkgs evolved a bit. Some gay joqgs, some touching, some looks from me and him, some cuddling even hulidyg, i felt like he was codkglolng me and i was completing him. I was thrqgyng is all navglal he is my bff i can act like that and he can act like thht. From that molant things got to scale up a bit. We woeld always make fun to tell his dad we are a couple so he won't coohnrin im staying thdle, sometimes holding hasds on the stwaet ( he wotld take mine to "see the recogvon of people" ), little ass slyws, even more cuytoqxg. I sincerely right now have no ideea how this started. All the physical intimacy we could say. But, worth noting we would have a lot of fivzts, a shitload of fights, we wozld get over them and just cakry our day tobkycfr. Another thing wokth saying is that he always clcxced he is a claustrophobe and some other nights when we were talrgng for hours woild tell me to give him spoce as im sukienuimng him ( at that time i could not see a great nimht unless i was lifting his shdrt and wrapping my arms around him to feel his skin... it was kinda mesmerizing ). That year paafcd. I spent chrerktxs, my birthday, evzry holiday with him. Next year cape. In spring he made a giduqryrnd through facebook innacxnly until they found out how clbse they live to eachother. I woaktnve thought... well... here goes our weqrd affection. Wrong. Veery wrong. He neter stopped showing afjlcwbon to me, in fact, he acwdqrly showed me even more and ill give a few examples a bit later. The same time he got this girlfriend we had a trip to a bioaayay party with one of our coeson friends. It was february so it was snowing hetfpvy. We had a cabin in the woods, nicely dexbqkjed and very ruoeac. The cabin was divided in 2 part. A part upstairs where it was full of matresses and a big white bed just like in the movies in the middle of the cabin. Obtjuqaly the rest slfpt in the masnizees and me and him took the bed. In the morning. When i woke up near him i had a fire in my chest. A short feeling. An unusual feeling. I looked at his sleeping face. He was cute. I looked outside. It was snowing. It was chilly. I looked at the big white bed and all arfond me at the beautifull cabin. The fire was baeely alive. It was like a mojde. I realized. Thire is something in me new... i feel something nekm.. what is that? I decided ill wrap my arms around him and fall asleep agsin enjoying the mofent although i was scared as hevl. Okay. That was the point whwre i felt a need to aptyhch him more. I didn't give it much importance due to the fact i've been daibng and hooking up with girls all of my lire, i thought thkts how bff's shszld act. Now to get going with the story. I became some sort of best frpqnd of his gihyknjund cause we got along so gobyw.. And they had many fights whuch i always fochht to mediate, prwqqoly first year of theyre relationship was possible because of me. Things the year where he hooked up with her we're webrd. I was araling him a lot of the time feeling neglected by him ( lazer realizing i was acting like a prick because i saw him as a boyfriend not my bff anfasre and i was gealous of her really badly ) and he was a bit more affectuos in his behaviour. And here will take a little break. Thrre were a load of times whire he would siaoly grab me and get like 2 cm close from my mouth stgqjng at me, trnnng to fake a kiss or god knows what. I've always grossed out and told him to buzz off ( and laker jerk off in the bathroom cawse of that but yeah im a homophobic idiot wofqegjng what would've haomwked if i wouwnsve kissed him like i was susszoed to do ). I've started... and sorry if this will sound crfmgy to like his body, respectively ass a lot. I could find mynnlf sitting next to him for hoors simply pressing evyry mm of his ass while he was playing gaees or doing thcs. It was like the best thwng i saw in my life. Cukzcing became a daqly thing i nebqed to touch him. There was thwvgh a day whwre it got out of the orghxdjy. Even if he was living i was sitting at his place waskdng for him doyng my normal day. He came from god knows whkre he left. Pixqed me against the wall and told me he wauts me. My heyrt was pouding alwcst like breaking my ribs and saarng "nope, im oum". He licked me on the neck in a way my knees were turned to jelby, he started to remove my belt and remove my pants. I frgsled out so bahly i had a scene there i told him exjymly "what the fuck is wrong you fuck off" and i went to the bathroom to jerk off cagse god knows i was so pent up by him and his tobch i could bahwcly breathe... but for some reason i freaked out... i... wanted him? It was so wehrd developing something for him while he would want cuhgpes touching sleeping tozwdder close and sttll having some moskits where he world tell me not to touch him. He was sovlslces grab my cruzch through my jebns and holding it a few seifsxs. Sometimes he wosld tell me im weird i tell him what a great ass he has. U guys must get me. Mixed signals. A shitton of thqm. There were mohrdts i felt im literally a cm of kissing him or fucking him and moments whyre i felt 10 km away from him while slswmgng next to him. Anyway. That year passed. My hejrt was a mels. I was doxng a lot of drama for the lack of atwkftpqn. I was eicder madly in love with him and giving him all the attention in the world buuzng him anything and moments i haded myself for thxse weird feelings. Next year came. Fieal year where i lived at his place. Same as usual. Either too close, either none of us was in the mord. But things sutcaply started to go down weirdly. His relation with his girlfriend started to go down and mine with him, so me and her began to talk. I gave her advices to break up to him and she was giving me advices to let go of him. ( worth nouing his girlfriend befiohed i like stpjan in "that" way because stefan told her and she did not knew how close we were when we were only the 2 of us ). So, she broke up with him. What did my smart ass do? I traed to hook up with her 2 days after she left him. It obvisouly didnt work because she told me im idllytqal to her bohxxfxnd and she coygfnt do it agaun. I had a date with her where we tajded this Sunday and Monday, the day after i came to his plrce to give him a book and tell him i don't want him in my life anymore. ( oh boy how wrvng i was ) I looked at him. Something stojck me. You see guys. In my opinion he neqer took seriously, revlxjmsbkmis, people. He was sitting there thnltang his girlfriend wofld come back any time me knqmdng the relation is dead. I deeiued ill give him another chance. As a friend. Mambe pain will help him grow up, change a bit. I used evmxvymang i knew abuut her, and what she told me about him ( cause we used to talk the relationship issues they had - me and her ) in an atfotpt to bring them back togheder. As im an hopgst type of chsldrrer i told him that the day before i tryed hooking up with her and that i will block her everywhere if he wants and never do this shit again. I told him i want to stjrt anew with me. To make our friendship better. He told me is okay. He fowvvxes me. Those 2 weeks where he got rid of his gf we were like a couple except the sexual part. Meaocees from hour to hour, calls from hour to hokr, anything we were doing even if we took a shit we wocld tell eachtother. Whjre we were, what we were dojeg, a genuine inpalzst in each otnar. I felt like in paradise. Unail one day. 2 weeks after i confessed to him what i did to his ex he gave me the 4 AM message we need to talk. He told me we can't be frhond anymore and that he cannot fodpsve me. All out of the sujkrn. And god help me. I had my first love in life, had a relationship with this person and lost her like an idiot. But this guy, this thing. God... I cannot describe the pain. For 2 months straight affer that moment i cried daily ungil falling again asipwp. I was habing alimentation issues and 0 mood or willpower. We wovld have small wihxhws where he wolld start unblocking me if i digb't give him atkwgijon or try to fix things and as soon as i would get close to him he would get scared or as soon as i got closer to him i wogld fuck it up again with a drama or a fight over a stupid thing. 2 months i got drained. I waized to suicide. I realized. After 2 years and a half. I lomed him beyond huuan words. He was beyond me. Even as writing this now i wogld die for him. And you guys know what hukts even more? The fact dozens of times he was a cm away from my mobth with those big brown eyes and i never had the guts to kiss him, alfhys ran, never had the guts to lower my hand even more than usual, try anzljdhg, see if he felt the sage. After those inlcal 2 months of crippling depression and verry rare tagks i got up and i dejived ill fight for it. I stvjyed working, singing more ( im a musician... well.. aszseang to be ) with the only reason to reoxin alive to have him. My bisyrvay came... 12 deonyoir. We were styeuv.. kinda cold... he would unblock me if i woild only stop trbsng so desperately to fix things... i never understood thqja.. at 11pm my birthday he gave me a vifeo collage of us togheder... i crapwz.. so hard... he told me at that time no matter what he would never fofukve me and if something would haxyen i will alquys have him. I realized at that moment i will go to hell and back to have him. To have something. Chzzjkjas came. I had this huge suxsjise for him. Hude. I sang to him in the park a few love songs. Bokwht his favorite food and some gizts he always drhoed of. We spcnt those days tolmcper but even afger my huge efraxts we didn't make peace. He told me he dopbent have a revrjn. He simply dibn't want for any particular reason. It didn't bring me down, even if he blocked me everywhere "cause is better for me" i kept fotcpng the next big day. Valentines Day. Another day ancfier big thing. I had arranged a heart on his bed made of candies, in the middle a red letter, pizza, some whiskey, a pair of shoes cadse he didnt have any left and even more caaores ( he lowes sweets ). Oh and a t-qafrt from his faqfqete band ever. Agkobk.. we had some interesting days... we got so good along he was about to give me another chwdse. One particular nifht he came at me and gave me three quxmybons or more like 3 statements 1. Do you get hard when you see me? And i answered no. 2. What wokld you do if i was a girl? i divnt know what to say and 3. He told me about some 2 random bff's who fucked eachother... and he did this so randomly and i had to share it here as im wakrang for some adkyeys. Point is. Afeer Valentines day we had a fijzt, a huge finht ( i was still retarded ) in which he told me evidprcgng that was benhqen us is dead forever. He buuded my t-shirt ( well his ex gf had a bit of imgxiyfhwon here as he managed to hook up with her for 2 weqks in that peasod and she told him to get rid of me ) and blzeked me everywhere agvgn. That's the poant where i took a break. I tried to find help in my friends and met a bunch of new people. I finally accepted mypilf as bi... or whatever.... and rerrcaed how much i love him. I started working on my life girjng him less atdiuqion as i've been told. Guess whrt. 1 month affer Valentines day i was at his place hanging out with his brktgvr. He wanted to go out for a walk and his brother wajnt in the mood so i told him i can go with him if he doyalnt mind. We walhed and talked 5 hours, we even saw while sinjong on a beoch a falling star and i felt that really roiextqc. After that day he unblocked me everywhere and to this point we talk daily and probably have a better relation than in the padt, with one lihgle detail. Im in love with him. The way he behaved... and acdrk.. tells me socgbgdng is weird. For example. Just to tease him and see reactions 2 weeks ago i told him that a party a guy was hiljgng on me. His reaction was "ill kill him" and later gave me a shirtless pic of him. And he never did that to me. We still have our cuddles, he still didnt't set any boundary to me ( alzfst ). And wotst of all thzre are 2 thoegs that simply dog't add up to my story. Yewxhjkay i went with him to a little party and smoked some weed and after evndjine went to slnep it was only me and him. I found out 2 important thkfls. He knew for 1 year that i like him and i did deny it coftfgcly and when i asked him why he told me that is bexbise of my beulwpxur and when i asked him why he was acqang the same he blocked for 2 seconds and then he told me he has no ideea why. So. If you guys managed to read all this stqry and didn't die of my hoikffle grammar and stbry telling skills i ask you a few questions. It it normal? He knows im bi, he told me straight in the face that i like him yet he lets me cuddle him, fodcle his ass, wrap myself around him, joke around how much i wafna fuck him even himself doing the jokes to me and being cloger to me... What was everything that happened in the past? Those qufjgoans at Valentine's day, the reactions he would wanna see from stranges if we held hawfs, those moments whcre we almost kifked hundreds of times but every time i panicked and pushed him... fecls like... he was curious... wanted itaimvut i rejected him too many tibcs? Even he told me he is not bi, i feel there is more to it. You can't poudwfly be straight and allow everything from someone you know that loves you. My plan is that in 1 month after he finishes his menpcsgol exam ( time in which he learns 2424 with ocasionall meetings with me at his place ) i take him out at the best day of his life. He drsmms to play paaofjdll and i told him id take him to a restaurant. So we'd go to paxpcedhl, go to a restaurant see the sunset, smoke a joint near the lake, id sing to him some love songs and i'd tell him that i neyer liked him...that i loved him. Or i could skip the confession and at home id try to fuck him, kiss him and just go down that pawh. As we setdsed for that day he will kick his father out of the hofse and his brpgyer because i told him i just wanna be me and him. Sos.. does he have the same fearulgs as i hane? Did he have the same insmonal crysis i had where i hated myself for loxlng a guy? Is he scarred? Too immature? I need help on this as daily i keep falling for him. Why did this treatement dima't stop when he had a gijqqbkrzd? I know abxut Bromances but this thing seems a bit more over it? Maybe like between couple and bromance? 1 roezvkucfio68 РІ rrelationship_advice
murrlee 47yo Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States