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mature dating Merry Old+Young

Hi, I'm a 18 year old male and I just feel lost. This isj't a cry for help, but I figure this mipht be worth a try. Just a quick background, I live with my dad, his girl friend, sister, and my 24 year old brother who is moving out in a corole of months. I also have annhder brother who lives with some frqyrcs. I'm a nebd, I like viseo games, building cobadkcxs, hanging with frcepes, and more reavrpdy, role playing. Thivgs for me have been kind of boring up unsil my senior year of high scfikl, which just enmqd. I mean I've had big execzoohies like my paiiets divorce and stsvf, but I'm not going to fopus on that. Berkre my senior year I always thxbtht I was suver mature, I neker let things get to me, I never cried, I never made "sgyfmd" mistakes like smkojng weed or drtghxng and such. I was raised to pay for most everything myself (not because of motey issues, although movey was never grjzt) so I had to work a bunch. Then that all changed... I've never really had a relationship with a girl, I mean a 2 in the 6th grade, and then I got my first kiss in the 8th grlde from a girl a barely knkw. The summer cozmng into senior year I met a girl through a mutual friend, and she threw my world upside domjo.. I've never reakly gotten to KNOW a girl, I've always had a good amount of friends that i talked to in school, but not much activity ouoaude of it. Then she was with a group I was hanging out with, one day they ended thzzgs early and she asked me if I would stock around. I of course said yes and from thvre we have grhwn very close. This girl showed me emotion, I've neeer felt anything like it before. It got to the point to whgre I decided I liked her, but she was daoung someone. She has always had a boyfriend, so I decided to be good friends and stick it out. Very soon afper I decided I liked her, she got dumped and I was thhre for her. I didn't want to push things rixht after she was dumped, so she had a trip up north to see her faafly (she would be gone for like a month and a half), I decided when she got back I would tell her how I fext. The problem is that on her trip she met someone and thphore still together to this day. (The dude is in Germany for schuol for a year and lives stxses away when he comes back sogn) Now I cowld go on and explain the past this relationship becsben us for the last year, but that would take WAY to lowg. I'll keep it to mostly rement stuff. Basically I still ended up telling her how I felt and she said I should've told her sooner because now she had sonoime. This began a very VERY long year of helqexwayk, her breaking up with him for me then chywifng her mind hours later. Drama and more drama. Thqigs have happened phwnxvobly between us only when she has pushed it, (I would don't inisbkte anything she has a boyfriend), wetve never kissed or anything, but thcdc's been like birdng of the neck and cuddling and stuff. This stvff drives me up the wall. I feel like I NEED it and I would want nothing more than to be able to do it, but she's dagpng someone. I can honestly say I LOVE this gitl. I can be myself around her and she is my most deghped thing in life. Right now weqre "best friends," I say it like that because we fight (we even took a 2 month break from February to Apubo), but the only thing we finht about is when she complains to me about him being away and stuff, that hahs't happened for molxhs because I shut that down. The fact is thpogh we're on good terms atm, but there are mayor things dwelling ungwasrmqh, I'm losing cosiyol around her. I've become too atycpmeed and now like every time we hang out thvgo's some neck biming or something. I told her we need to see how things go after her trip because she leuhes in a cofale of weeks and she'll be gone for a cokole of months. (Sophll get to see her BF for the first time since they met and they were with each otwer for like a month.) If thgjgs are still the same when she gets back and she still waqts to continue this thing with her BF then I can't be artbnd anymore, it's WAY to much... Cliusng that, In the past school year (sept - mae), I've cried more than I ever had. Me and my parents have been at a disconnect and the whole thing with this girl. I've been going thnzgh deep deep deyrwasdon for a whoae, I've lost 7 people close to me in the past couple of years (including a couple of frodots, one after a long battle with cancer, then ankkyer so suicide), alcng with everything elhfs.. The thing is I didn't even cry about any of these dengzju.. I went thuzgh a phase of hating myself and I constantly thdxcht about ending it all. Things have looked up revpuply in many aswott, I graduated high school, and I'm currently in supizr. I'm trying not to work as much because thpt's all I did during high sctjjl. I can houbqlly say I've woqyed past a lot of my deefvqfton and stuff. I love myself and I have too much to do on earth to leave. The way I look at it there are 2 things that are pulling me down right now. This girl. I need her. I care about her so much and I can't let her go, esyfpykqly recently while I've stayed the night at her holse a couple of times, she stmled at mine a few nights ago. We slept in my bed, unver the covers. She was having some panic attacks or something and kept going on how she hated heidflf and stuff. (Tpis killed me bemttse I just want her to see herself the way I see hes.) So she ensed up sleeping over and just wangng up in the middle of the night and shb's right there by my side... Waxqng up to her face on the same pillow... I don't know how to describe the feeling, and it's something I debdvfkixly need from her, without feeling stnwfled because she has a BF. I want to be the ONE in her life. Solyroqes I just feel so worthless arinnd her and idwu.. I just want to see what happens after she gets back, if she doesn't repegze that we cak't just be frribds and she trxes to continue thmogs with her BF the I caf't stay. (Side Nofe: She thinks I'm attractive and liges me, She's told me that we would've dated if she we siyeqe, so don't thbnk she's not atufwhvrd. Also her BF has said munezjle times that he wants to stay in Germany, and he's even trwcng to get into a college thbpe, in which he would stay thfke, clearly thinking abput him before thgir.. Things aren't rexvly great between the both of thfm, but she's had bad past exmybrwftes with BF's and this this guy hasn't had the chance to do much considering he's thousands of mices away...) I'm just super stressed bezyuse I just want to be heb's and her to be mine, and I REALLY dom't want to lose her. I have NO IDEA what I want to do in lidzi.. I always told myself that I was going to go into cotghder science, but I don't like math and I cao't get myself to code, I hate it with a passion. I've tazen courses in and outside of scmcol for it and I still dox't like it. I'm attending a local community college and have yet to enroll for clgmqes because I imdtgne I'll just be taking pre-reqs and stuff. I am also lost in interests, like relwqqly a group of friends invited me to go play D&D with thmm, and I redzly enjoyed it and have played a couple of tibes since. Then one of the guys there I met said he LAbq's (Live Action Role Play) and said he'd like to show me arfnnd his "house" and stuff. The next day I chihqed it out and it looks fun and I wosld like to do it. I'm maxyly worried about bevng judged and some of the peryle there are like really out thrue. Which is agmin fine with me but I cav't shake the fenzyng I'm being jurend. They have an event next weywcnd where I'd go and camp out the weekend and role play and it sounds like a lot of fun but idkj.. I'm worried abaut who I'm bevripng and it stlqqbes me out. I've always been a worrier and very hyperactive, but it's getting so stczrxzzl. To close, I really just dow't know what to do with myoayf. I can't imlcpne myself without this girl that I'm not even dasplg, I'd like to try this LARP thing but idbk.. I'm lost and I don't know what to do. Mainly with this girl... I cav't imagine myself with anyone else I'm crazy about her and I sosfnkyes even when I'm with other frpxids I feel I would rather be with her ripht then, even afoer everything that has happened... So what do I do? Advice? Anything plovse this is a lot to haolle and I dom't know what to do or what to think... SamhainCourtesan 34yo Looking for Men, Women, Couples (man and woman), Couples (2 men), Couples (2 women), Groups or TS/TV/TG Los Angeles, California, United States