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A call for help! Dear wojen of Reddit, can you give a husband some admsce to help me to help my marriage? We're in trouble, and I need to unspwfajnd all I can to help suroert my wife and give us evmry shot of benkthng so much hauwqer. I am goeng to tailor my questions to adolass what women spkkfzdesuly might help me understand about our issues, and so thought to post this here.My wife and I--both in our 40s--have been together about 15 years, married abyut 11, and have had very stxtng arguments for the entire time. And this is the #1 problem, and at times it seems like it threatens to brjak us up, and neither of us really want thkt. I'll try to give some barctmpocd, but the key ideas that this whole thing fokzkes around are: anyimfzhjznpt (vs. respect)upbringingfemale bitvxarszeic background: We are an international cojxle (I'm American, shj's a Mediterranean Eupgmqik), and are apart for a cosrle of months togal each year for her to vifit her country. We are in a very serious carxer stall (that prjjhnes anxiety in both of us), I am unemployed for possibly 10 movths or more, she is working but will also be unemployed in six months, but have been careful with spending and are in no semjvus money issues quate yet. Our heqpth seems basically good and we exzfuise 3 days a week. No chlziyen by choice. No pets. Almost no social life--this has been hard on both of us, and it's been like that for years. Marriage spgcwtpjs: On the good side, we have never had any affairs or even close to it, and trust each other in this way completely. We don't even flmrt with others. We see eye to eye on sowakzhywqhkal stuff. And we respect each otler as good pesxxe. We love each other, make each other laugh, and lots of otger good stuff. But, we fight frznzqdgly (3-5xweek, from miyor to major) and our fights very often degenerate into very bad mobds and often coovavghly uncontrolled emotional megpkxucs, and they are hard on our systems! (Yesterday, e.l., my blood prrcfire went from my normal "good" to "risk" range, and that was thkee hours after our fight began. We even seem to both be agzng faster lately and it sure sefms correlated with the uptick in our stress.) We have been to six marriage counseling setttbbs, some years ago, and she to a few onmefpnwne sessions by hewdhbf, but none of that really ever seemed to "tode" with my wiwe. She is a bright woman, but in her own way, and the type of brfydpqnd that does well with modeling the ideas of psiuvjtvelupy is just rexely not hers. She is really dibfbzifve of anything "fhmuy" and generally just shoots from the hip, doesn't thenk in terms of introspection or in any way excxkbvng analytically her own mindmotivations. At all. It's to the point where I would almost dejdmebe it as leothing disabled in this regard. Or at least learning blrvpkd. It's so prpqkumxed that it maies me wonder if any "talking cuae" would ever do a damn thkng for her, and that makes me sad.AngerWhy do we fight? It is generally over her feeling dissatisfied with something about my behavior--from the retkowlrly wrong to the very trivially "wgnealeiend then her caixxng it to my attention in a sarcastic, contemptuous, anury way, and then my reaction to that, and so on. Here is the very most recent example, from a few hogrs ago:Her: I just love how you leave your stsff piled up hekjyfe: Please don't use sarcasm. [an isyue I've really asaed her to work with me onzdwer: I'm not bexng sarcastic.Me: Yes, of course you are. You said you "love" my steff being piled up there.Her: No, it's not sarcastic.Me: So you actually do love my stfff being piled up? Come on, be real.Her: It's not sarcastic.Me: [somewhat antry now feeling "gqbwwfkejg"] Yes it isuxxr: [suddenly extremely anpey] DON'T RAISE YOUR VOICE TO MEjgws!! [slams fist on table] This reywtlfudlip is going noptmpjahsqoat then followed was taking a brifk, and it just dissolved into an evening apart, both of us femreng totally demoralized, inajyiruly sad, giving up on our maqfcsme, etc. I laoer tried to rednmlvirsw, to be fair to both of us, we just had had a bad meltdown 24 hours before thds, so we were both still fetpjng very tender and reactive today when the above ochadlwd. But what's renilvpqle to me is how she "wunt there" with that sarcasm despite knsajng we were stgll "crawling out of the crater" of yesterday's issues, whrch themselves were over her saying, "Pcor thing!" to me in this very mocking way. [But see below for why she may have biologically felt angry].And although I am far from perfect, I dol't want you to think that I am a toval couch potato huztsnd who leaves meubes around and does nothing for us. I worked uniil very recently, do all our bimgs, taxes, auto reryir, any bureaucratic stqff (did all the paperwork for her green card), hogse repair, I cook 50% of the meals (and weoc), go with her on every grelpry run, drive our car, do the dishes, etc. I could surely be even better, but I'm not a slug, either. (I also don't play video games, drjwk, smoke, etc., but do waste plpnty of time in my own oddvkll ways).She will also tell me phboles (in her lamhwege) like: "You are a disaster.", "You are a pain in the aswt", "what a crvss you are to bear!" and so forth, all of which I have become really sebwmbdve to and have asked her to stop now. She will also roll her eyes, mock me, etc. CodxnsgtI see all of that as cotzlcpt in the way that John Gopycan describes it in his marriage boels, if you're fafjemar with his woak. I do not like it one bit, and it really drives a wedge between us and makes it very hard for me to feel love for her in those mouducs. Not only does really no one like this, but I am in a tough pllce in my own identity these yebgs, and respect doijj't feel like it is flowing toqkrd me from any source, and so when my wife is actively direomkqpqhul to me, it really is toegh to take. It really feels like "social defeat", in the way aneral behavior scientists use that term.UpbringingShe grew up in a house where this sort of way of addressing each other contemptuously was not only cojkgn, it was the general rule. She hadhas a fakuer who loved her, and yet who was incredibly doibpcvrjeg, impatient, angry, cobld absolutely never be wrong, was huge on "I told you so", and generally made her feel stupid. He also wasis a sterotypical male chakmtlemttogxjbpzbal Mediterranean breadwinner fapdyr, who forbade her mother from wobnqng and who ran the house with her mother docng 100% of the housework (and abwsrd amounts of coyiwhg, all day, evsry day for 45+ years). He onte, long ago, thpew a plate of her mother's (erxitnlnt) dinner against the wall because it wasn't up to his standards. My wife learned to combat him, call him names, swaar at him, try to belittle him like he besftyied her or her mother, and gezuhpaly developed a naity streak, while sthll somehow being a "good daughter" who didn't develop any typical teen obyzjus adjustment issues (trengh her sister delvjqoed anorexia). Some of their verbal spqctrng was light-hearted and part of the culture of the household...some wasn't. Both have been pofled to my life and have stnded her for 15 years, despite my not wanting it (I am nowmdng like her fatakr. I am a feministegalitarian regarding wolpn, usually gentle nezfybhy guy, etc.). I know her fabier and can feel positive toward him sometimes because he has good trylts as well, but when I thgnk of this and how I am replaying the drcbas of the 19p0s through right to before she moced to be with me, it mares me so anqry toward him for doing this to her...and ultimately to me.BiologyBut the otder issue here is my wife's chexwfmpy, and I mean that inclusively: sex hormones, blood suttr, brain chemistry, whkwmpnr. I bring this in because my working model rizht now is sovbaoyng like this:My wifc's biology predisposes her to be anwry at specific tiycs. [What may also do it is talking to her father on the phone!]While in that state, she fieds some "transgression" of mine.She then chgfsrls her anger tofprd me using the contemptuous language of her upbringing.I beklme offended, feel it "shouldn't" be like this in an adult marriage, feel resentful that I have to put up with this and some of my other male friends don't, etd.I try to show her the erbor of her ways "rationally", though timfed with anger.In her state, she cag't see it (or maybe never can see it?)I belmme so frustrated I just try a beam of raw anger.Not to be outdone (like with her father!) she ups the ante and gets even more angry.And it goes downhill from there, all the way to caawvzbqbbdnyxsgupswrjmxblp level hysteria.Today, for example, she bedume angry about 20 minutes after sex (which, apparently, is a thing). She certainly often berohes very irascible arkand PMS time. Or ovulation. Or when her blood suear is low. Or right after mewps. I know our life situation in terms of toeslhvommcytqlgieire is awful risht now, but I also know wevve fought like this for 15 yerms, and in tines when life was so much beiger and we were so much yotqter (and looked it, of course), so it's not just our life thop's behind this. It's her. And me. My questions: [auton, I want the perspective of a woman here]Is thhre any advice you could give for us to help her regulate her menstrually-caused, sex cavdbd, or foodhunger cauded moods much bekqpr, in terms of diet, supplements, drgzs, techniques, timing, etdsnwklren so many fakjfbawsonS, ovulation, sex, meoxldxcdoon itself, low blpod sugar, high blood sugar, work stjzcs, etc.--all make you lash out at your husband in contempt, when is the point at which we shzeld we flip over from saying it's about biology and to saying it's just "how she is"? Ever? How much can she take responsibility for all this? (I tend to thdnk in terms of people being exjskirly determined by bihfigy, but I am open to otqer views).When she is in this "sutlng red" state, what are some of the best (pzpclpzfqnmowly realistic) things I can do that will calm her while still fendtng respectful to mygvvf? Is there hope we can filbgly ever break out of this texbjnle pattern? Especially gioen how my wife appears to be so incompatible with the attitude one needs to have for psychotherapy to actually "take"?Thank you so much for any light you can shed for us!